So every time I get a new background... a little square shows up in my top left corner says that my background will disappear as of Aug 1st. This is now the 4th blog background I have added. Thank god they are free.
I was approached the other day because some family members are worried I am just angry. Think I should see a councilor. I wouldn't go because there is no reason to yell at a man I barley know for not understanding the shit I am going through. If you are my friend and you are not a military wife you may have noticed my lashing out, my quiet times, tears I may have let slip, and maybe just lack of communication for me at all. It's probably because you aren't a very good friend. I dunno how clear I have made this in my blog. (we will see how many people actually post something on this post.) I am a BASKET CASE. If you have asked about my husband at all in the last 13 almost 14 weeks it usually goes like this "how is your hubby?" I say "I dunno I haven't talked to him in a week but last week he sounded good." They respond "oh good." or if they are feeling edgy they ask "When does he get to call again." My response is "I dunno he has to share a phone with a lot of other guys" If you were smart you would stop talking at this point or say "Well I hope he calls soon" BUT I have had people say "well doesn't he get on the computer or write emails?" I then say "NO he is in a war zone in the worst part of the country where they don't have a base set up, they are setting it up themselves. At this point you should REALLY shut up but then they continue "Well my cousin is in the army and he is in Iraq right now and he emails and calls his wife all the time." WHAT part of that sentence is supposed to make me feel better at all! At this point I want to slap you for being so dumb but I know you don't know any better. I want to show them the wives of the husbands who have already given the ultimate sacrafice and explain how close my husband was to them. HOW REAL THIS DEPLOYMENT IS.
I didn't expect this deployment to be so rough but neither did anyone else. I can't even remember how many man have been amputees because of an Improvised explosive device. And there have been 10 wonderful men who lost their lives who have families who will never see them again. Usually when I am having a bad day or something I keep my mouth shut and don't talk about my problems. Cause I hate to hear about what other people think and their fake enthusiasm. Or maybe they really are enthusiastic that he is coming home in a mere 4 months. BUT it is still 4 months away. YOU try doing this shit and we will talk. I have nothing in common with civilian wives as of now. And even when people are nice and express a hint of sadness or gratitude towards me and my husband they then start talking about their own problems. It is usually "I am having a hard time job hunting" Or "I hate this girl she said this..." Or "this guy I went out with was so cheap he took me to taco bell." or "I am mad at my husband for not taking out the garbage." UGH. OKAY I am really truly sorry that I am having a hard time feeling bad for you but until you start to take more of an interest in my Husband or his unit or military in general. HELL even the idea of asking me to go do something. Considering I only have about 2 months until I move the hell away from Utah I would have expected some friends to have rallied around me and tried to understand what it is like to be out a spouse. I know you have your husbands there and you are telling them that my husband is gone and that you feel bad for me but do something about it. Let me dump some frustrations out while eating dinner. Ask me to go shopping. I am sure I will talk about military for a while and bring it up but that is my life. I want to just have friends who call me up to just ask how I am doing or ask me to go bowling that night. I haven't.
That is my explination of why I am such a bitch lately. I don't care if you never talk to me again. In fact I have better friends that came from the Marine Corps than 2 or 3 years of working together ever did. I just want my husband home.
And by the way. I don't need anyone telling me to be happy and that other people have it worse. This blog was not intended to make everyone pity me. I am trying to explain what it is like for me. If you only knew. This is MY blog and I am going through a roller coaster of emotions and I lash out at innocent people. For this I apologies. I am going to try a little harder to be a little nicer when people ask questions. Have you ever had a bunch of people ask you a certain question over and over? Now you shouldn't be upset that you always answer the same question but after the 100th person has asked the question don't you feel yourself getting a bit short with these people. I know you guys don't understand but I am hoping to explain myself this way. I don't want to have everyone ask me how I am all the time. I am okay... I am not great and obviously I have good reason to not be feeling so great. I just like to vent on my blog and if you don't like it don't post comments. I would prefer everyone just not say how I am handling this deployment all wrong and I should be happy and push the bad thoughts out of my mind. I just want to be scared and upset. I don't let it affect me at work and I can put on a brave face and deal with life as it comes at me but just understand I have a hard time explaining in words how I feel so I write down stuff on my blog. PLEASE don't tell me I am handling this deployment wrong. Everyone reacts different to different situations. This is my way of doing things. I have a bad week I cry I vent I call all my marine wives to see if they have talked to their husbands I cry a bit more I pour over the letters and emails and pictures I have from him. Then I pick myself up and go about my life. And if your husband comes home every night to you I feel you should not even try to tell me to be happy instead of being sad all the time. I do what I want.
To Heather - I love you! Deployment sucks.
ReplyDeleteTo Heather's Critics - Please don't judge what you don't know. Everyone needs an outlet, especially during a difficult time like this. And before you open your mouth to criticize me for defending her...please know that I will likely go off on you and have every right to.
I love you :) quite honestly all the marine wives who read my blog couldn't have agreed more but the ones who didn't were the ones who told me to be "happy" instead of sad all the time and to be "proud my husband is doing what he wants to do"
ReplyDeleteOh my love... I am so sorry that I am not home with you! I would love to go shopping, eat food, and even cry with you! Evan's not gone as of now, but I do know what that feeling is like. Being lost, not knowing what's going on every minute you're apart. Because so much can happen in such a short amount of time. Call me anytime you need to vent. I know I'm in Washington now, but I still love you and worry about you guys and pray for them while they're gone. You are so strong, but you are okay to cry! I did it a lot while he was gone, and he was just in Iraq, not in Afghanistan. No one can understand a military's wife life unless they're in it. Keep holding on!!
ReplyDeleteI laughed when I read this. Only because I 300% agree with you. I hate going on to Facebook and seeing stupid ass people's statuses about their complicated relationships and so on. OR the ones that are like "missing him" blah blah blah. Spending one night alone? Well boo fucking hoo. Try doing that for 7 to 9 months. And if anyone ever tells me "You signed up for it" or "It's not like you didn't know what you were getting in to", you can go fuck yourself because you don't know anything about me, my relationship, or anything that I have to go through.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Heather for that post. It really sums up all the frustrations going through my head and puts them on paper (well technically computer screen).